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| Illustration by Ching Wai Leng |
Purely based on my feelings.
Honestly, since being 'thrown' ~ sincerely I felt forced ~ into the SAHM world by circumstances, I felt really down. Nobody would have guessed, looking at me, that I truly despised staying at home being a housewife.
Reason: I deeply felt that it wasnt the right place for me. I should be out there, working, contributing to the community, helping hubby financially, having my own financial freedom. I did not like to be fully dependent on him. It made me feel worthless, trapped. I envied friends who have real jobs out there, being important people, appreciated and acknowledged, enriching their lives with work experiences and studies. They have the income to buy things they want and do not have to feel the guilt of spending hubby's hard-earned money. I hate the monotonous routine of household chores, even taking care of my doter felt like a burden. That was how ungrateful I was. *astaghfirullah*
I was flailing around trying to get a grip of my life. It went on for quite long ~ its been 1
& half year now I became a SAHM. I did not have any clue what I really wanted to do with my life, no goals, nothing to achieve. As a result, I became lazy, disoriented, sometimes depressed and it affected my family.*deeply sorry dears*
Though not working, my house was a mess, laundry in a heap, you would think I had spend more time with my doter, sadly not. I just let her watched her cartoons, when she gets bored I get her to sleep, I was on the computer a lot doing practically non-beneficial surfings. I truly deeply regretted it tremendously.
Hope that I can make it up to them..
HOWEVER...
This past month, alhamdulillah, ~thank you so much ya Allah~ I truly felt like I'm alive! Finally! I know what I want to do now! I know what I want! I have my goals, my mission and vision! Though it will take a lot of courage, support, hardships, I pray that I will be able to make it. I pray that I will not fall into that deep abyss of despair ever again.
I thank you:
~ Allah - for the positive thoughts, for making me 'see' my foolishness and ungratefulness, for enlightening me on my goals in life.~Rabbana atina fiddunya hasanah wa fil akhirati hasanah wa qina azaban nar~
~ support from dear hubby
~ inspirational blogs on successful mummies esp littlekittle.com
Its time for a CHANGE! A whole new me as a SAHM or even WAHM insyaAllah. But whatever decision, my family is my number 1 priority. I wouldnt mind having them as the center of my life now. I would want to be a BIG part in my kids' life and not just a part. InsyaAllah!
Dears, it is truly important to voice out your feelings. Bottled feelings are just like time-bomb ~deadly. It will not only affect you, but sadly, the ones you love around you. I am still learning to make myself heard ~ thank you abah coz you never seems to tire to ask me how I feel each time you see me acting differently.
I learnt that it is important that you understand your goals in life. No matter who you
are, always try to make the best out of it ~ If they throw you lemons, make lemonade! ~
Remember that its not going to be easy ~ “And certainly, We shall test you with a bit of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits. But give glad tidings to the patient ones who, when afflicted with a calamity, say: “Truly! To Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:155-157)
Do reach out for help, you are never alone..Seek it from:
- Our Almighty Most Compassionate ~ Allah ~ through solat, reading quran, zikir..
- Our own partner
- Best friends, close friends
- Support groups
- Inspirational stories
Stay happy and healthy! *hugs*
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